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jb

plob

Who did Louis Walsh sleep with?

So the x factor came on, and the judges started arguing.

''At least i don't sleep with my singers.'' said Simon.

Behind them there were posters all about rape and eating shit.

''I did not sleep with Raymond!'' said Loius ''But i did sleep with Michael who got voted off last week.''

''Yes! and he got voted off because you raped him! And you shat in his mouth!''

And the controversy continued.

So many dreams

SO many dreams last night.

Someone updated their Facebook status saying that they had killed someone else because their facebook status was annoying!

I went to vanuatu, and everyone was confused as to why i was there mid november. I fed the cats in the house and wandered why it was empty. That's because they had a modern house built for them, like a proper mansion.

I had to teach class 8 football, but they all threatened to beat me up and started kicking the ball at me so i went and hid in the bathroom, which had a toilet seat attached to an arm, so you could sit on it in the bath or washing machine as well as on the toilet!

Upstairs in the amazing house i found out that Walt Disney himself was still alive. he was in his 100's and needed meat to eat. Him and I and about 10 others sat around a table to eat a meat feast. But we had to eat under a blanket. When we stopped, all the meat had been eaten as well as 3 1/2 of the dinner guests. Dinner was in an hour and i guess i was next with all these vamps. I helped them kill Snow White and then i went and hid in the Washing machine till sunrise.

I Went to the beach next morning where hundreds of people were playing with a pack of dogs. We heard a noise and the dogs went wild and ran away, so the people decided to run too. I just climbed onto a rock in the middle of the ocean and whipped out my video ipod to try and record what was happening. Suddenly a huge stampede comes rushing out of the bush and eats all the people. As i try to record it, an Ostritch see's me and wants to kill me. I jump into the sea and go to a rather fat woman taking photos of the carnage. I slip her my ipod and tell her not to get it wet, then i run for my life. I turn back to see the Ostritch peck out her spine then kick her head off. Oh. It catched us with me and i keep it distracted by talking. Then i grab its too legs flip it over my head and snap its head and feet off . The end.

What not to do when depressed

So i was depressed about my life today and went to sleep at midday.

Dreamtime.

So me and my flatmate Helena find a secret room in our flat, we go in there and there is a sofa, bookshelf, cabinet and armchair. We start messing the room up and eventually we find it COMPLETELY trashed. But she finds a small treasure chest. Inside is lots of chocolates and a china doll. The china doll has the best chocolate inside her. She gives me the doll. I am tempted to smash her head open but i know it belongs to our other housemate Laura
"Helena where did you put the treasure chest?''
''What?''
''I want to put the doll back.''
''What doll?''
''This doll''
''Sorry, i think you've got the wrong person.''
''Helena! Laura is coming down the stairs, quickly wheres the treasure chest! We've trashed her room.''
''Sorry, i don't know what your talking about.''
So i run around strting to tidy up. Having made barely any progress, my legs come off, i smash the doll by accident, and i can't breathe. Laura comes in. Suddenly Helena is giving me the doll again. I've gone back in time. Already the treasure chest is gone. I begin to search, suddenly Helena is dissapeared and im wrapped head to to in cling film. Laura walks in to see her doll smashed. Suddenly Helena is giving me the doll again. The process continues several times, each time i smash the doll and find i can't breath or move.

I thought i woke up. So at this point i think i'm awake. I tell the whole story to Helena and she finds it funny. My phone ring.

''Hello''
''Why aren't you here?''
''....''
''At our party in the carribean!''
''Oh shit i forgot! I'm broke. If you can find me a ticket for less than £200 i will go''

She finds a ticket but my mum decided she's taking me somewhere else, so we swim to vanuatu, and she meets all my family and pupils and cries because she loves them so much. She takes her shoes off and uses the long drop to go toilet. I find lots of letters from the children, and i find that i can't change my facebook status, and i'm delighted. I forgot the internet doesn't work here.

And then i heard the kitchen door slam, opened my eyes and was puzzled as to why it is dark outside. It was all just a dream.
Slightly less depressed though.

Kanye West rules the world

Last night, on a packed tube, Justin Timberlake decided to annoy everyone by shooting an impromptu video. People began to get out of thier way, but Kanye decided to start some agro and stamp on someones foot repeatedly. This man went to bitch slap Kanye, who then pulled a (fake) gun out and aimed it at this man, and started to threaten him and his family and his soul. The whole thing was caught on camera, except you couldn't see Kanyes face. The man ran off at the next stop, and it turns out he was my dad. He was then promptly arressted. You can never beat Kanye West. Later, me, my dad and his best friend found a secret pathway at the bottom of our garden. Kanye lived in the palace at the end, and we were going to kill him. My dad felt that every moment in his life was leading to this. But the path was bery muddy and i was only wearing my slippers. I promised i would run back to the house, change into my boots and then come back. SO i turned back and a very fat Sow and all her piglets started chasing me. I gt back to the garden and they vanished. But then my dog became savage and chased me into the house. I ran into the hallway and locked the door, the dog desperately trying to eat me through the glass. I looked on at Kanye's mansion in the distance, not knowing my dads fate.

Usually your not allowed to end a story with ''and then i woke up'' but in this case, it's true.